Thirty, Flirty, and Thriving

Anna Nicole rewatch, TTPD consensus reality, celebs aging, Millennial Jenna Rink 🎈

We have some new readers here this week! Welcome!!!!!!! Make sure to check out the Substack archive tab for past issues of this newsletter, Nicstalgia on YouTube for all episodes of the show (new ep coming next week!), and my very cute website to learn a little about me.

To my longtime friends, peers, paid subscribers, and everyone reading this sentence right now, thank you so much for reading, sharing, and subscribing to this newsletter. It means a lot to me!!!

This week in Nicole’s World, highlights include making delicious shakshuka, rewatching Sex and the City, A Shot at Love with Tila Tequila, and The Anna Nicole Show, and DIYing my digital camera candle holder, inspired by Gab Bois’s work in Forever Magazine.

My inspiration (left) and the final result (right). I’m super happy with how it came out, and it goes nicely next to my Mary-Kate & Ash Tray!

In this issue:
💋 Looking at The Anna Nicole Show through a contemporary lens
📝 The Tortured Poets Department consensus reality check
🪞 Why some pop stars look older than others: My Age Relativity Formula
📲 Investigative journalism re: Hilary Duff's unusual sample, Spice Girls age denial, and 13 Going on 30: Millennial Edition

ICYMI, last week’s issue (do not mind its intimidating length – NO detail was spared) primarily focused on Coachella nowstalgia, Paris Hilton’s “Stop Being Desperate Poor” shirt, the Bottled Emotion fragrances to astrology girlie pipeline, Sex and the City characters as archetypes of womanhood, and so much more.

Logistical note of intent: This letter usually comes on Thursday mornings! Starting next week, this newsletter will go back to being scheduled for Thursdays at 9:04am ET (aka. B’Time, like Beyoncé’s B’Day – 09/04)!

Support Nicstalgia with a paid subscription for less than one of the 75+ Taylor Swift vinyl variants. (This isn’t even all of them.)

Huge thank you to Nicstalgia supporters who I will love forever: Janine, Marie, Liv, Mitra, CY, and Aleena! 💐💐💐

💋 You’re so outrageous

I was too young to have watched The Anna Nicole Show in real time, but I used to play a very fun Flash computer game on the E! website where you would drive Anna Nicole and her puppy Sugar Pie around in a pink convertible. (If anyone finds screenshots of these, PLEASE send them my way!)

I recently watched several episodes from the first season and went into it unsure if I would feel nostalgic or just plain sad. It was primarily the latter, but I was extremely fascinated by how Anna Nicole Smith is a perfect example of the 21st century American Dream, The Seven Deadly Sins, and choice feminism. I feel compelled to write 3 entire separate essays about these, but for today’s intents and purposes, let’s examine the show through a contemporary lens.

In case you’re unfamiliar with Anna Nicole, watch the extremely catchy show intro that explains her life in 30 seconds. The Anna Nicole Show premiered in 2002 and its tagline was, “It’s not supposed to be funny, it just is.” Anna Nicole was no stranger to being gawked at and leered at, but as an early reality TV star, she would also be laughed at. I absolutely consider the show’s production to be in bad taste now, especially due to the fact that Anna Nicole deeply and publicly struggled with mental illness and addiction. Turns out, it was perceived as intentionally cruel back then, too.

Entertainment Weekly said in 2002, “In exploiting a barely coherent Anna Nicole Smith, E! is doing something that comes pretty close to being obscene.” During the staged confessional takes, she appears to be fine, but in unscripted scenes, it is extremely clear that she is heavily sedated to the point of complete incoherence and near incapacitation. Her lawyer is her best friend (red flag), who has the clingy energy of Kim K’s sidekick Jonathan and the insidious hunger for money and power of Jamie Spears. Like a car crash you can’t look away from, plus cleavage, The Anna Nicole Show is quintessentially 2000s. America loved it! 4 million viewers tuned in, which was E!’s biggest-ever audience to-date. Reality shows like The Girls Next Door absolutely would not exist without TANS.

You like to think that something like this wouldn’t happen today, but it absolutely would and does. I saw frightening parallels between Anna Nicole and #FreeBritney era Britney Spears. Watching TANS brought up the same sinking feeling I get when looking at Britney’s Instagram. You’re concerned for her, your heart goes out to her, and you know that she has been exploited for money, repeatedly drugged, and hurt by the very people who are supposed to love and protect her. Same with Anna Nicole, except worse, because:

1. Anna Nicole had a reputation as a gold-digging Playmate who married an octogenarian oil billionaire rather than a globally beloved and talented pop star who sold over 150 million records.

2. In 2002, there was no direct line or two-way communication between celebrities and fans like there is with social media today. Anna Nicole couldn’t defend herself or speak her piece; what you read in the tabloids or entertainment magazines was perceived as the truth.

3. Sadly, we already know how Anna Nicole’s story ultimately ends, with her untimely death at 39 years old. The unintentionally-chilling line in The Anna Nicole Show theme song foreshadows what was to come: “It all disappeared just as fast as it came.”

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📝 The Tortured Poets Department consensus reality check

As anticipated, I’m not a fan of TTPD. But then again, I’m doing pretty well mentally and emotionally, so her music hasn’t been resonating with me in general. I have been to Destin, Florida though! Don’t have time to tell that story today, but I do know that Taylor Swift would love Alys Beach.

Whether or like her or not, the ubiquity and relentlessness of her fame is consensus reality – a seemingly societally-agreed upon norm. With the cultural impact, financial success, and general fanfare around her recent business endeavors and romantic relationships, she started to seem untouchable. Yes, she has received her fair share of negative attention – like from me when she blatantly ignored an ill Celine Dion who presented her with an award at the Grammys – but people are less upset about Taylor herself per se and more upset about the sociopolitical implications of her stratospheric fame, wealth, and power.

Let me state for the record: Taylor Mania is NOT monoculture!!!!! Monoculture was when ALL of our celebrity media was consumed through the same platforms, promoted through the same mechanisms. Now, Taylor Swift (alongside only maybe Beyoncé and the Kardashians) takes up an extremely disproportionate portion of economic market share, in terms of both money and attention.

However, something started to change when The Tortured Poets Department came out. It seemed like consensus reality was starting to shift. Like there was a glitch in the matrix. Could people actually subjectively express their lukewarm opinions of TTPD without being attacked on the internet? Was the album really just lackluster as compared to her previous efforts? I think this shift happened for three reasons:

1. Common space oversaturation: The budget and resources that Taylor Swift has to completely take over every single social media platform is outsized. She had custom features built on Instagram, challenges on TikTok, priority placement on Spotify, etc. She is completely inescapable. Even if you have absolutely no interest in her music, and whether you like it or not, she has access to you every time you open your phone.
   

2. Alienation of non-Swifties: You can’t just listen to someone on the radio anymore; you have to consume ALLLLL the lore, look for the Easter eggs, start a conspiracy theory about the date Reputation TV is coming out based on the number of days Taylor and Joe Alwyn were dating, and be in the top .001% of Spotify listeners. It got to the point where professional cultural critics couldn’t provide an even neutral, let alone negative, review or critique of Taylor Swift without being doxxed and getting death threats. It’s inhumane. The toxicity of fandom (in general, not just hers) is outrageous.
   

3. Consumption fatigue: The egregious, exploitative, compulsory degree of consumerist completionism is striking. The pressure to buy, buy, buy is more intense than ever. Does anyone really need 5 CD variants, 5 vinyl variants, and 4 cassette variants of the same album? In today’s fandom economy, it’s as important to collect music as it is to actually enjoy it.
   

4. It’s not good: Not everything you write has to come out of the vault. We don’t need a 30+ new songs. We don’t need an anthology. I do think that if Jack Antonoff takes an extended vacation and Taylor eventually releases Reputation TV – and even her debut album TV, since Beyoncé already had people buying cowboy hats – we’ll all be in a better situation.

Me listening to The Tortured Poets Department

But speaking of something that was actually good, the Vox article, How Britney Spears explains Taylor Swift, asks the key question: “Britney was too out of control. Taylor is too in control. What now?” It also states:

“If the 2000s were an era when there was no right way to be a girl, the 2020s are showing that the girls who learned the lessons of the millennium will just have to keep learning it: There’s no right way to be a woman now, either.”

Very true point, but as long as the patriarchy exists, there will never be a right way to be a woman. End of story. However, billionaires should not exist, fandoms have grown increasingly dangerous, and the business of music is ruining the art of music.

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🪞 Why some pop stars look older than others

My favorite person alive, Celine Dion, is on the May cover of Vogue France! I was inspired by a convo I had with a friend who thought Celine was older than she was. Like early 60s. That’s not a bad thing at all, but It got me thinking about age relativity. How do we perceive the age of celebrities [who are the same age] differently? I took a small sample of somewhat comparable female singers born in 1968 (Celine, Kylie, Kristin Chenoweth) and 1969 (Mariah, Gwen, JLo) to find out.

There are several factors, including age of career breakthrough/peak of popularity, age of career debut, length of career, extent of visibility in the public eye, extent of sheer desperation for youth, the kind of music you make, and the age of your average fan.

Specifics of my extremely scientific scoring system:

• Breakthrough: 1 point if you were < 30 years old when you became a household name in the United States

• Debut (0-1): 1 point if you were <= 21 years old when you first came out

• Longevity (0-1): Approximate number of decades since your debut

• Visibility (0-2): Extent of personal life privacy/tabloid sensation/distance from the American media. Celine has been seen on-stage far more often than not over the last 20 years, and Kylie’s somewhat of an outlier due to her not primarily residing in the U.S.

• Youth (0-2): Celine doesn’t care that she’s getting older, meanwhile JLo, 55, played herself, I think as a 28 year old, in her recent movie 🤨

• Genre (0-1): Older people listen to adult contemporary and Broadway vs. pop, rap, R&B, dance, etc.

• Fanbase (0-2): There’s a parallel here between genre and fanbase age. Everyone’s fans are old now – or at least not the fixture generation of youth culture. Anyone with a large contingent of gay male fans particularly has an extra burst of youthful energy and staying power. (Kylie and Mariah, you will always be famous!!!)

• Gen X Curve: I added a curve (lowest multiple of 5) to make everyone whose score was below the generally-accepted age range of Gen Xers hit the minimum (44)

• Perceived Age: The result, reflecting how old the public generally thinks these celebs are. These factors show why people might think Celine is several years older than others born only a year later!

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📲 I’m just a simple girl in a high-tech digital world

My fav things from the internet rn:
I haven't pitched traditional publications because the tone of voice in my writing is extremely specific – mine 😇 But now I'm inspired after coming across an incredible article entitled, My Tireless Investigation Into the Winston Churchill Sample on Hilary Duff’s 2007 Magnum Opus. I finally see myself in the world! ALL I DO is tirelessly investigate! This is my kind of journalism.

ALL FIVE Spice Girls reunited at Victoria’s 50th birthday celebration. Luckily, David Beckham also filmed [four out of five of them] at Geri’s 50th birthday. Mel B wasn’t present, which makes sense due to the fact that she thinks Geri’s been lying about her age for her entire career, and that she was not in fact born in 1972. Their song “Denying” takes on a whole new meaning…

Friend of Nicstalgia

Marie Lodi

wrote a lovely piece for CNN Style – “Remember when Jennifer Garner’s ‘13 Going on 30’ character wore a colorful Versace party dress?” Yes, I absolutely do. This whole Remember when? series from CNN Style is super up my alley.

Speaking of 13 Going on 30, Jennifer Garner, Mark Ruffalo, and Judy Greer reunited for its 20th anniversary! I rewatched this maybe a year ago, and it still holds up as one of the all-time great rom coms. Jenna Rink is the Gen X NYC fashion magazine girlie dream. She’s in the last generation of hopeful editors able to live their dream of working in traditional magazine publishing. What strikes me the most is that her industry was essentially frozen in time from 1987 to 2004. Imagine if Millennial Jenna time hopped from 2007 to 2024? Very different movie.

13 Going on 30: Millennial Edition

• Poise and Sparkle would be defunct. Jenna would be a full-time Instagram influencer and freelance fashion writer, or the Director of Social Media for an advanced contemporary fashion brand.

• She would live in Park Slope rather than on Park Avenue.

• Jenna would have a massive social media following, which she doesn’t understand because she still thinks Facebook is cool.

• Jenna would find out via Instagram that Matty lives in Bushwick with 2 roommates rather than Greenwich Village.

• Jenna would only ever see Matty again because he photographed a dinner she attended sponsored by a non-alcoholic canned apertif brand.

• At the dinner, the crowd would dance to “Fergalicious” instead of “Thriller”.

• Jenna would agree to go out with Matty because, although she thinks the guys on Raya are hotter than he is, they’re too obnoxious.

• Lucy would be a Creative Director (there’s always at least one in every New York story, after all) for a legacy fashion brand and the youngest cast member on The Real Housewives of New York City. Jenna would submit blind items about her to gossip sites.

• Jenna would go to therapy and realize that she was always the problem.

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